Confessions of a former judgmental “B”…..

I used to be a self-proclaimed  “judgmental B”. Was I bad person? No, I wasn’t. Most of us aren’t. I was different back then though. I would gossip behind peoples backs and not confront them to their faces because I was too much of a coward. I judged people who were going through hard times and deemed them as “weak”, because I didn’t fully understand it.

This was before shit had ever hit the fan in my life and I didn’t fully grasp the concept of suffering. Oh my 20’s, what a blissfully ignorant time . The truth is I was also really insecure and it came out as me being judgmental.

When I started to work for my former employer, lululemon, the insecurities came out raging again. I wasn’t sure if people liked me and I was surrounded by a bunch of other really athletic, pretty and smart women. Back then, a recipe for all my insecurities to come out. Until a friend of mine took me outside to have a life-changing conversation. She told me ” You have so much potential to grow fast with this company as a leader , but you won’t go any further if you don’t stop talking about people and start having the real conversations with them instead”

I was SO EMBARRASSED. And ashamed, and I felt like a TERRIBLE person.

A switch flipped in me in that conversation and I never went back.

Here is the scoop: We are all trying to get our needs met. I didn’t make that up. (If you are interested read more about it here( http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html ) Aside from physiological needs (food,shelter,water etc) we all want to be loved, recognized, receive and give affection and feel a sense of belonging.  Every single one of us. Most of the time when someone acts a certain negative way, it’s because one of these needs isn’t being met . For me, it took going through a really hard time in my life to develop a deeper sense of kindness and empathy for others. Instead of looking at people as weak, damaged or flawed,  I think “oh geez, they must really be going through something.”

We all want to feel a sense of belonging, to be loved, . Some of us get born into situations where these things come freely and some of us don’t . And most of us are afraid of death and ending up or being alone. A lot of our actions come from these fears and our needs being unmet or compromised.

So the next time you find yourself talking trash ask yourself a few things:

 

 

Am I just projecting my insecurities or jealousy ? Yes, you probably are. Learn to be so self-aware and recognize when this is happening.   Don’t wait to go through something bad to develop kindness and compassion. If you are talking bad about someone, one of 2 things is going on , you are in some way jealous of something they are or have or … read below

Am I hurt?  So back to those basic human needs. Sometimes other humans do or say things that threaten our needs getting met. So what do we do ? We assign them as “bad people” . Sometimes when we are bashing someone, it’s because they have hurt us in some way. Compromised our trust, made us feel insignificant or just plain hurt us. In this case, show a little vulnerability and let that person know.

How is this serving me right now? : What is productive about you talking trash? Anything?

This is not a kumabya, lets all let everything slide . No, I still stand firm in my stance the “You teach people how to treat you”. And let’s be real, I’m not a robot, I’m human, I know I’ll mess up time and time again with this. BUT, this is a post meant to inspire us to dig a little deeper in the dealings with others. Show some kindness and compassion. Horrible, horrible things are happening in this world everyday and I think we all have it in us to stretch a little further in the area of kindness and compassion.

Everyone is fighting a battle. Everyone. You, me, all of us. Let’s all root each other on.

If this resonates with you and you are sick of comparing yourself to others, I have a few more tips an questions for you. Click here to get on my calendar. https://calendly.com/jessicahetherington/30min

Boldly and Bravely yours,

Jessica