Confessions of a Worrier

I worry. Although I am a coach, I am still human and at any given time I probably have at least 2 imaginary scenarios swirling through my head that will never actually happen. So, I have been giving the concept of worry some thought. Where it comes from, why we do it and how to combat it.

At first glance, it appears that the root of all worry is being afraid of some kind of loss or just a fear of something in general. Maybe you’re worried about losing a job, a relationship or even just loss of control. You fear rejection or discomfort. You fear that something you want won’t work out and that it will end up changing your life plan. While those are all legitimate worries and fears that’s not really what you’re worried about.

The root of all worry is we think that if our worries come true we will not be ok.

There is some deep internal voice that tells us if A, B, or C happen we will not be able to handle the outcome. Our lives will be over and we will not survive. This is so often the “story” we tell ourselves.

Spoiler alert… you are always going to be ok, even if your “ok” is something different than you had planned.

I think in a way, it comes down to self-worth. If we were truly confident in ourselves and our capabilities would we worry so much? Now that’s something to think about. It takes a certain amount of trust in oneself to have faith that things are always going to be ok.

So here we go, I broke down worrying into 2 categories:

Solvable:

This is the easy one. These are tangible and fixable worries. Worried about something or someone? Do the brave thing and have the conversation you need to have.

Focus on the things you actually have the power to change. Make an action plan and follow through. Ask yourself, “What can I do here to make this better?”. Growing up, when I would be overwhelmed, my Mom would have me list my worries and address them one by one. I’ve now adopted this mindset for my own. I break things down into bite-size, manageable pieces to release some of my solvable worries.

Unsolvable:

Unsolvable worries are the imagined ones, the ones that have no truth to them. They are the ones that we create based on fear, past negative experiences and the dark places of our imaginations. I think we can all agree that much of life is out of our control. For many, this lack of control can be a huge cause of anxiety and worry.

I think of myself and how terrified I used to be of flying. A fear that had very little truth to back it up if you look at it statistically. Every time, before I flew I would text everyone I loved because I was preparing myself for “this might be it”. It made me feel productive and in control of the situation in some way. I thought if I’m going down at least I prepared for it. Score! The control freak in me just got a major point. The truth is doing this did not make life any more predictable or safe like I hoped.

With these unsolvable worries the best thing we can do is lean into the uncertainty. Embrace the messiness of the emotions we feel and admit to ourselves that we are really just worried about our lack of control.  Talk it out with someone, do your research on the particular topic. For me, that meant having conversations with friends who were flight attendants to answer all my questions. Remember 99% of the things we worry about don’t actually end up happening.

As a coach, I get crystal clear with my clients on what their personal strengths are. When worry strikes, they have the tools to combat it. Knowing your individual strengths and what you’re capable of is an incredibly powerful tool.

So I leave you with this…. You are tough, you’ve gone through hard things before and here you are, still kicking. Don’t discredit your own ability to handle whatever life throws at you. Whatever it is, you’ve got this!