Self-preservation: 1: preservation of oneself from destruction or harm. 2: a natural or instinctive tendency to act so as to preserve one’s own existence.
After a traumatic experience, self-preservation can often bring about a state of hypervigilance within us, as if the threat may return at any moment. This applies to everything Passionistas: friendships, intimacy, family, physical/mental health and safety.
Last week, I touched on the fact that we all have a past filled with traumas of varying degrees. Maybe you’ve been lied to or let down previously. Or maybe you have dealt with tragedy/illness in yourself or your family. Chances are, your life has been a mix of all the above. We all have expectations of how we would like life to go, and when these expectations fail us, it HURTS and it scars us. We might feel rejected, defeated, foolish, lonely, powerless, or possibly all of these things and more.
So how do you protect yourself from allowing this to happen again?
How do you draw the line between what is a healthy level of self-preservation and what is an act of self-sabotage, which would lead you to close yourself off to experiences because you are afraid of being hurt again. Self-sabotage often comes disguised as a safe, cozy cocoon, where no one can hurt you again…but at what expense? The problem with that is you won’t be able to experience the many joys the world has to offer, which are only available outside of that cocoon.
One of my favorite musicians, Paul Simon, sings about this very topic in, “I am a Rock.”
“I have my books
and my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island”
This is not a new topic, as this song came out in 1965. Paul is singing about the human condition of being hurt and not wanting to feel it again.
I lean towards seeing the good in everyone, and I want to believe that everyone shares the same moral code that I abide by. Because of this, I have been lied to in my life. Despite the pain, I still don’t believe people are bad, but I do believe that people make selfish decisions, in order to get their needs met. That has been a hard pill for me to swallow over the past couple of years. In fact, it gives me a great deal of anxiety. It has hardened me more than I would have liked. I hate the skepticism that I feel regarding people’s motivation, and why they want to be a part of my life.
Here is how I deal Passionistas:
I CHOOSE to go for it anyway, because at my very core, I believe that no matter what happens, I will be OK. I remind myself of it all the time. I know this to be true for you too. You will always, ALWAYS be OK. Your “OK” might look different than you thought it would, but you will be OK.
To search your soul and find what you want in life, and then pursue that goal, is an act of vulnerability…a big beautiful risk…a risk that only the bravest take.
Not all “radical acts” in life are about quitting a job, or moving across the country. The most radical act of all is to tell someone that you are scared, and maybe even ask for help. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, and trust that the people in your life can handle what you have to say. Be confident that you spoke your truth, and know that how the other person reacts, is not on you . If they react negatively, it may be time to reevaluate that relationship.
We are taught as a society to “suck it up”, to not show weakness, and to brush our emotions under the rug. But why? So we can all delicately dance around each other’s “personas” that we put on? I’m not about that life ladies. I want us to know each other’s truths and have fulfilling relationships, where we feel safe, encouraged, and empowered.
I make a big effort in my life to live purely and in accordance to what I preach to you. It’s my obligation to you . It keeps me inspired and accountable. It’s my way of self-management. This leads us to my challenge for you this weekend, which I will also be completing:
Think of all the relationships in your life right now. Is there a conversation that needs to be had? Something that you may be sweeping under the rug. Pick one person that you need to have a conversation with. Maybe someone needs to hear how much you love them. Maybe you need to tell someone that you are concerned about them. Maybe you need to tell someone that life is hard for you right now and that you are scared. Flex those vulnerability muscles Passionistas. Leave no stone unturned in your relationships, because we need each other.
Boldly and Bravely yours,
Jessica
I am silver lining finder. Throw me in any situation and I’ll not only find something good but I’ll also find the opportunity. That’s exactly what brought me to my coaching career. 
