Listen all ya’ll it’s a sabotage…

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen” – Alice P. Cornyn-Selby

HA! How true is that ?!

I see and hear about this all the time with my clients. Overeating when you’ve been making progress with your “diet”,  kicking a nice guy to the curb because you don’t believe it’s true or it’s not exciting enough, picking a fight with someone because things are going a little too well.

Any of this sound familiar?

I used to be the QUEEN of self-sabotage. Once, in college, I really wanted a nice boyfriend. I had been through enough charmers and bullshitters and I was ready for the real deal. Or so I said….

When a nice guy finally came along, I was confused. He did everything right and he genuinely liked and cared for me. All my friends told me not to mess this one up because we finally had a keeper. I couldn’t figure out why I secretly wanted to ruin it.

So what did I do? Well, we went to a party together and I proceeded to make out with a not so nice guy who didn’t even like me. In front of the nice one. Not of my proudest moments. Not only did I lose my chance with the nice guy, but I also felt like shit. UGH. That story didn’t have a happy ending because I ended up with neither of them. ( Attention nice guy from my past, I’m sorry, and I’m also available! )

Those days are over though. I have done the work within myself and created a system that helps me to stop the nonsense before it starts. A system that I want to share with you too. Don’t worry, we will get to that!

An important note before we start: There is a difference between sabotaging and going with your gut. Don’t be afraid to act on your intuition. You are always right. I repeat, you are ALWAYS right. I digress, as that is another topic for another day and another blog.

Let’s take a look at why we might ruin things for ourselves:

Control: Oh control, you and I have a tight bond. To all you Passionistas reading this, something I know about you is that you are all hard-charging women who also have a special relationship to control. You like to be in the driver’s seat, both literally and figuratively. You like to call the shots and make shit happen. Sadly, many of us are used to something not working out for us. So we become jaded and we lose trust. For myself, I self-sabotage when I feel out of control.  At least if something isn’t going to work out, I am the one crafting and engineering it, right? It’s a form of self-preservation and one that is not self-serving.

Feeling bad about yourself: Just because you are outwardly confident means nothing to me. I know the truth because I talk about the truth all day long with women who you might never guess struggle with confidence. The truth is  ALL of us struggle with confidence in some area of our lives.  While you may be very confident in one area of your life,  there is usually room for improvement somewhere else. Maybe you kill it in your career but you make poor decisions with men time after time. Maybe your man situation is great but you still can’t figure out why you can’t stick to an exercise routine.  We know everything bleeds  into each other.  Self-sabotage is another reflection of just that.

Addicted to the drama: To be totally honest. I enjoy a little drama. And so do you.  I know you’re all saying,” Nooo, not me, I hate drama.” But you do like it a little. We all do. It’s why we watch movies.  It’s why you watch a fight when you see one.  Drama makes us feel things and makes us excited. So sometimes in our lives when things are going a little too well, we like to manufacture a little drama.

So what do we do? How do we stop ruining things for ourselves? 

You CAN overcome this. In my program, Girl on Fire, which I’m launching this January, we will take a deep dive into this topic and how to stop it from holding you back. You will  learn strategies and techniques that will propel you forward in getting that “thing” you want. That “thing” you keep ruining. Stay tuned for more details Passionistas.

Boldly and Bravely yours,

Jessica